If you have been following me on Facebook, I kind of mentioned that I fell off the bandwagon a bit.
It has been a pretty tough time for me, having to deal with seeing someone I love go from the amazing person they are to being sucked by the abyss caused by unexpected ill-health involving surgeries, ridiculous life circumstances, and what I now am suspecting is major depression.
It really was like I was living 15 of 20 episodes of a Korean drama, and we’re now at that point where everything looks so bleak the only logical solution is to let go and let God. Supporting said person had taken a lot out of me, but I imagine nothing compares to the hell that must be for said loved one.
Crazy Curveballs
I learned a lot. This isn’t the first time I’ve been pranced on by the ugliness of illnesses that strike the people I love. Watching someone’s joy get robbed because of a spiritual warfare against the failing of their own mind and body is one of the most painful of human experiences. I won’t even wish it on my worst enemy.
You want to help, but it seems nothing you do seems to work. There seems to be only grace, sufficient to handle the bad days and gratitude for the good days. You persist on (and I mean for years, sometimes decades), and it’s an emotional roller coaster ride of being deceived by signs of hope, only to see the person get consumed by an even bigger cloud of evil.
No matter what you do, there seems to be no real solution, until you finally exhaust yourself to a point where your spirit relinquishes efforts and you resign just to recharge your own batteries for self-care.
When you see bad things happen to good people, it’s inevitable that you would also lose faith in goodness and start to question if God’s nature is really all good, or if that He’s all powerful and almighty as we’d like to believe He is. After all, if God is all powerful, wouldn’t he save the people you love? If He is all good, wouldn’t he want to do that?
What I went through in the past 3 months reminded me so much of another time in my life, involving someone dearest to me. That other person I loved battled all her life with illnesses (plural) and died in an uncured state, but nonetheless, in faith. And now I am seeing a similar pattern rising in another person I care about and while I am trying hard to generate enough faith to stay hopeful for this person’s recovery and salvation, the truth is I can’t be sure if my prayers will ever be answered.
Because when people suffer from stuff from which there is no cure, and they wallow in negativity and refuse to be helped, the only thing you can do is pray for strength for the journey. You may also secretly hope for a miracle and the odds of that happening is akin to a camel going through a needle’s eye. We need divine intervention for that.
So while I went through the bulk of this stuff, to be honest I didn’t really have the strength to lift any weights or do squats.
The Only Exercise I Did
I was however very smart about getting up in the mornings to walk/jog in serene natural surroundings, while spending the entire time interceding in prayer for everyone I love.
Isn’t it beautiful? I took that a few mornings ago. Praying amongst dancing leaves, exploding colors of flowers, and fluttering birds set against the backdrop of a blue sky just brings a whole new dynamic to my prayer life.
On the brighter side of things, I have come to a point of acceptance that I must continue to move forward and live my purpose regardless of the storms that are happening around me. It has made me set my eyes fully on Jesus, and I am walking on the waters of faith knowing that our mortal existence is but a temporary situation.
That freedom comes when we have all been through the wringer, and that ultimately, problems are here to purify our spirits so that we triumph over pain with God’s love and grace.
I just want to acknowledge and thank God for having blessed me abundantly with good health, a sound mind, and a strong heart. I realize this privilege is not an accident, and that somehow I’m supposed to use these gifts and lessons to glorify and extend His Kingdom.
I also know that part of that requires that I commit myself to living a life of hope and joy amidst our human condition.
So now that I’ve come to terms with that, I think I’ll try to lift some 3 kilo weights tonight.
On the flip side, I gained 3 kilos from traveling and the fallout, lost it all back within two weeks and I’m at my original lightest weight at 68kg. To be honest I feel like tofu though. I didn’t plan for that, but I guess it means I can now pick up from where I left off and gain my strength back.
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