To be honest, I haven’t really had a chance to progress very far in my weight loss goal. It’s still hovering around the 68 kg mark, and a big part of that has been because I caught this nasty bug and I have been coughing and coughing and coughing out micro-organisms that aren’t supposed to be a part of my fat-busting anthem.
More importantly, it was the unfortunate week of the passing of my buddy’s dad, who died from liver cancer.
I’m not very good at these things. I can’t even watch horror movies at all, let alone deal with any form of confrontation about the inevitability of death.
It scares me so much it took two good friends to drag me to visit my mother’s grave two years after the funeral — and in dramatic fashion it had to rain like a scene out of a Korean drama while I was crying my eyeballs out.
If I had it my way, I’d never want to ever visit a funeral parlor, attend a funeral or pass by a cemetery.
But I couldn’t really escape this one. This was one of my out-of-town buddies, whom I was there for when his mom died. Though all this time had passed, I couldn’t really be MIA for the passing of his remaining parent. Not being there would make me a stinking human being by God’s standards.
So I planned my first visitation to the funeral parlor with some friends. It had to be at 10pm at night when it’s all dark and I had to drive there alone. Freaked out as I was, I pretended to be okay but I was really shaking like a scaredy cat.
I survived it because there were lots of people I knew.
Then by some stroke of luck, I caught that nasty bug and was too sick to do anything for a few days.
But I couldn’t just be sleeping my cough away, when my friend posted something on Facebook about a final prayer being held at the funeral parlor on the last night. He added that he’d appreciate it if people who are in KK would turn up. That just broke my heart. From past experience, I know the people you want to show up never shows up to these. Usually it’s relatives or a bunch of religious strangers who are there to do what would bring them good karma.
I’m not trying to proselytize, but I happen to be a practicing Christian and this story is deeply connected to my faith. (Please pardon my repeated references to “God.”)
I heard God calling me to go, even though that would mean I would be on the verge of a panic attack thinking about zombies and ghosts. Throw in the irritating cough that made my body weak, it was just not going to be a comfortable experience but I went anyway.
I went because when my grandfather passed away earlier this year, not a single friend showed up at the funeral parlor or funeral. Except for one who dropped in when I wasn’t around, because she happened to be there to visit another person and my grandfather was just next door (God bless her). It really sucked not having people to come remind me that they care, especially since I’m lousy at these things.
It sucked so bad that, thinking about that time made me drag my ass to the funeral parlor that evening in spite of my crippling fear of dead people.
I knew nobody social would show up to these and it would mean everything just for my friend to see a familiar face.
In the midst of the prayers, while I was imagining the collective sorrow that had filled the walls of that room, I started thinking about this blog. LIFEBOD began as a blog about how to care for the living body, but I had never considered about care for the soul.
What about uncle over there? His body is without life anymore, and that’s going to happen to each and every one of us even if we pretend it won’t happen. So what’s everybody doing and is it important enough that if they died tomorrow, they’d have no regrets?
I also began thinking about what cancer does to one’s body. My grandmother died of liver cancer too, and I wish I knew then what I know now so that maybe I could have made a difference to her lifespan. What can I do to help people avoid cancer?
My friend came and sat right next to me during the prayers, concerned about the eulogy he was to deliver that night. We didn’t speak much during the session but I know it meant a lot to him that I was there. There was one moment when I turned to look at him, he had his eyes closed, mumbling to himself in what appears to be a look of fatigue mixed with grief and duty.
I turned my head back down and said a little blessing for him, thanked God for giving me the courage to be there for my friend.
I’ve lost a parent and I can tell you, it’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever experience in your life. It’s so hard that, I pity the people who still have both their parents, because they don’t know what’s coming for them. You also have instant empathy when you learn that someone has lost a parent because you know how hard it is.
Your entire world comes crashing down, because from the moment you were born you’ve had your parent there to guide, love and support you. People may come in and out of your life, but your parents are steadfast. In one swooping moment, that part of you ends suddenly and you’re left with this unimaginable void.
You’re now on your own to carry on their legacy, because even your surviving parent doesn’t have the genetic memory that is buried deep within the fibers of your existence. You are now the only thing that remains of them, they’re gone for good. I don’t mean to freak you out, but that’s the kind of thing people deal with when they lose a father or mother.
Anyway, I’m glad I went.
Early the next morning, I asked a friend in LA who is a chaplain how not to freak out about dead people. I knew I’d have to pay my final respects and look at Uncle before they transport him to his final resting place.
LA friend told me,
“Think of the body as a shell for the soul, a representation of memories.”
That’s such a beautiful thought, and armed with that I headed over to the funeral.
I was a few minutes late, and realized everyone had taken all the seats in the back (surprise! surprise! I’m not the only one uncomfortable about being near a dead body). I got ushered right to the front with another two friends I bumped into.
It was uncomfortable being sat so near the casket, but every time I got ideas I would look toward the direction of my friend and his family. I remember the feeling during my mom’s funeral, it was deja vu all over again. You just go numb and hope you pull through the entire thing without losing your cool. You hope nobody notices you’re about to fall apart any second and tell yourself, please please please don’t cry. You gotta be strong!
Putting myself in their shoes made the fear go away. I finally was able to look at Uncle, even though I had avoided that the last two times. I know that day his soul had been set free, and miraculously, I had no fear at all.
There’s a reason why I’m telling you all this morbid stuff. I learned a few big things this week and I think it might help some of you in your own journeys.
Firstly, that it really means a lot when you show up to comfort people when they are shell shocked from a sudden death in the family. Please don’t underestimate the importance of simply showing up, attending a funeral, paying your respects, and sending your condolences in physical form… that’s if you care to live a high-principled life.
Secondly, although I’ve read it a hundred times before, I only saw this verse as a motivation to calm my fears in the past, but it was never actually experentially true for me… until now.
Taken from the Christian bible, 1 John 4:18 reads,
“There is no fear where love exists. Rather, perfect love banishes fear, for fear involves punishment, and the person who lives in fear has not been perfected in love.”
The wisdom is profound.
I found out that the love I have for my friend had banished my crippling fear of dead people, at least at the time. I know it’s a process, that I won’t undo years of trained phobia overnight, but because I experienced the freedom from fear at moments I thought I was going to crumble, I now know it can be overcome with enough practice.
So whenever you are scared about something, just think of the faces of the people you care about and your happy times.
Finally, I found out that you can truly love someone platonically and have that be one of the most beautiful expressions in your life. This kind of love is divine and taps into something beyond your own need of fulfillment, be it emotional, spiritual, physical or intellectual. Whereas in romantic relationships you’re saying I got these needs that need to be met, in a friendship you’re throwing all that out the window because it doesn’t matter what they did or did not do. It’s unconditional, just like the love God has for us.
It’s simply an honor to love another soul on behalf of God.
It really helped me see the true sense of what being a friend to someone means. That in this social age we use the term “friend” so loosely, but the true litmus test of your character and sincerity is whether you will go beyond your port of call and comfort levels to be there for a friend when they need you most.
You may think well this has nothing to do with fitness and wellness. You’d be wrong to think so. Thinking about death makes you aware about what you’re doing to yourself.
Moreover, spiritual well-being has everything to do with your body’s cell health. It helps you let go of stuff that doesn’t matter and focus on the stuff that does, so that you’re not mutating your own cells by way of negative feelings like hate, stress, fear, regret, among others.
I’m so grateful to learn all this in one short week with nasty bugs camping in my body. I feel like a hacking mess, but this is the week I conquered one of my biggest fears through love. And I thought I’d share that with you.